Capitaan dildo arrescate!
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
