You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
