if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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