I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
