When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
