All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
