This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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