I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
