I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
