My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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