theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
