My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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