I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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