Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
