I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
