How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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