Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
