Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I could make wine with my vomit
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
