I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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