I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
