I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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