listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
