we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
