Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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