He is an equal opportunity slut.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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