i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
