After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Drake has all the answers
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
