I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
