The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
