My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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