When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
