dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
