i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
