I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
