Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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