She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
