How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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