i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
