I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
