I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Small penises have feelings too.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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