I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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