my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The best revenge is premature balding
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
