well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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