you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
