yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Pants are for mortals
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
