Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
