TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
