I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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