I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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