It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
